Badass Film Tour 2 – Day 24: NYC to Baltimore

NOTE: This journal entry was written about twelve months after shit happened.  Would it have been better if we’d written this shit as shit went down?  Maybe.  But we didn’t, so quit beating yourself up about it.  And really, your expectations are unrealistic.  Nevertheless, enjoy as we fake like we wrote this shit way back when.

December 24, 2010

8:00 AM – BOB
I’m not proud of it, but I wake up to an 8AM phone call.  I’m still drunk from the night before.  My mouth tastes like toilet bowl cleaner.  There’s fair chance of a good and/or other reason for that.  The toilet is smack dab in the kitchen.  I regressively sat/leaned/slouched up until 6 am drinking beer and whiskey, smoking weed and watching The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.

Thankfully (?) the phone rings me awake at 8 in the A-fucking-M.  I’ll be on the air in 10 minutes.  On the air in Baltimore for a radio interview, that is. They’ll call back.  We’re screening down in Charm City in about a dozen hours.  Also, I gotta move the car or we’ll get towed.  Currently, we’re parked on the street in Manhattan’s Lower East Side.  This is also where I woke up.  Always a good sign.

8:25 and no luck on a new parking spot.  The radio station calls back and I’m still driving around trying to ditch the car.   At some point during the circling, the interview happens.  I’m not sure what I said, but I remember repeatedly proclaiming “Boston sucks” and then took that gem and proceeded to plead for a couch to crash on while in Baltimore tonight.  I’m certain that I just charmed Baltimore’s pants off.  We’ll see how that turns out.

11:17 AM – CHAD
We got up in New York and drove down to Baltimore for our show there. I don’t know what to tell you about the drive, except that Bob and I took a wrong turn at one point, and ended up at the Newark Airport. When I say we wound up at the Newark Airport, I mean we were literally stuck in a line with all the cars trying to pick-up and drop-off folks at the main terminal there for a little bit. I’d say we were way off course.

BOB 6:47 PM
We seem to be in Baltimore.  I think we drove here.  Either way, we get to The Patterson and it has a Marquee large enough to honor our presence.  Flattered as I am, I fear this joint is a huge 1200 seat events center.  I hate those.  I’ll take tight and rowdy over big and swanky any day.

The pad was actually pretty cool.  Here’s a tour of the art they done had put up for your intellectual and aesthetic enjoyment.

Chad tried his luck at the lottery.  The problem was, he tried his luck.

Chad’s terrible luck didn’t jinx us.  It turns out that the night was a big-ass party.   We packed the house for both Total Badass and Hell on Wheels.  We even enjoyed some sweet home-team support courtesy of the Charm City Rollergirls.  And that radio station (WTMD 89.7, thanks!), on which I puked up something akin to an interview by drunkenly, relentlessly shit-talking Boston, they gave away some tickets and helped drag in a noteworthy chunk of the crowd.  Baltimore is looking good!

We also got this cool write up:

http://thebaltimorechop.wordpress.com/2010/12/03/bob-rays-down-and-dirty-austin-film-tour-crative-alliance-tonight/

Bob Ray’s Down and Dirty Austin Film Tour @ Creative Alliance Tonight

We’ve never been to Austin, TX.

We suspect we’d like it very much if we ever had been. We like Baltimore very much, after all. We like New Orleans and Richmond and Charleston, and even liked Galveston when we went there. So we have reason to believe that we’d get along just fine in Austin, and that when Austin filmmaker Bob Ray brings his Down and Dirty Film Tour to the Creative Alliance tonight he’ll feel right at home.

Total Badass screens at Creative Alliance tonight. 7:30.

The Chop can’t sell you on this. Much like Kesey and the Pranksters, you’re either on the bus, or off the bus. There’s no middle ground here. Just take one quick look at the movie posters and you’ll know right away that this is something in which you either have no interest at all, or something for which you absolutely need to clear your calendar and go see right now!

Hell on Wheels is the second half of tonight’s double feature. 9:30.

For those of you who are on the bus, here are the details. Doors and drink specials start at 6:30 (and show up on time, because the CA screening theater is of modest proportions) and Total Badass begins at 7:30, followed by a Q and A with Bob Ray and Chad Holt.

The Charm City Roller Girls will then host the second half of the double feature, Hell on Wheels with another Q and A after featuring Ray as well as some of the finest real life bruisers in Baltimore.

If your lame schedule and crappy life don’t permit you to see both films for a paltry $10, you can check out either one for $7 at the door. We say watch them both. You’ll be glad you did. Now get on the goddamn bus and hang on for dear life.

8:40 PM – CHAD
Just to put things in perspective, this was December 3rd, 2010 that we were in Baltimore. That was exactly a year ago today from when I am typing this. Here’s what I recall for sure: The Baltimore Ravens were about to play The Pittsburg Steelers for the second time that season. The Ravens had won earlier in the year in Pittsburg, and now the Steelers would be in Baltimore two days later, on Sunday. There was a certain fervor in the city of Baltimore you could feel with the game coming up, with a lot of Baltimore Ravens signage, flags and other memorabilia hanging everywhere. I saw a taxicab drive by the theatre right before Total Badass started, and a little Baltimore Ravens window flag fell off of it, into a puddle of water. The cab driver got out and ran and picked it up real quick. The damage was done; I already knew the Steelers were going to beat the Ravens when they played. I’d have bet everything I had on it. I didn’t have much…

I also remember that a couple named Chance and Sue were there. They had won tickets to the screening on a local radio show, and were very excited about it. I was probably more excited than them that anyone had even bothered giving away tickets to anything associated with me over a radio station in Baltimore, Maryland. The fact that the guy who won the tickets was named Chance was not lost on me.

The movie played at a place called The Patterson in association with The Creative Alliance. This was in a really nice part of town. I remember this, because every time Bob or I would comment on how nice things were in that neighborhood, a local would be like, Yes, Baltimore is very nice in this little five block radius, but PLEASE GOD, whatever you do, don’t go anywhere else in this city. I’m not exaggerating when I say we heard that upwards of ten times.

Here’s the intro to Total Badass in Baltimore:

11:15 PM – CHAD
Ok, so as soon as the movie was done, we did the question and answer as usual, and I could just tell by the back and forth with the audience that one lady in particular had taken an interest in us. When we were done with the Q&A, she walked right up to me, and was like; You know what question I really wanted to ask? So, I said what and she goes, Whip out that fucking cock!! And I remember thinking that was more of a command than a question, but I knew where she was coming from, all the same. The thing was, she pronounced cock like there was an “a” in it… “cack”. Whip out that fucking cack! That’s all I could think about the rest of the night… I had cack on the brain.

It reminds me of this one girl I met here in Austin over the internet. She had a boyfriend or a husband or something, but somehow we ended up talking back and forth over facebook and deciding to meet up over at Barfly’s and have sex in my car. Maybe it was her car, but still, I remember us hanging out inside Barfly’s for a drink or two, acting like we were there to do anything other than go out and fuck on the street. We got out to whose ever car it was, and she unbuttons my pants and goes “Wow, you’ve got a fucking stuntcock!”  She said “stuntcock” like fifty times while we were fucking, and I’ve got to tell you, it kind of grew on me. So much so, that to this day, I think of her as “Stuntcock” whenever I see her. I’ll be at a bar and see her there with her boyfriend and think to myself, “There’s ol’ Stuntcock… Should I go say hi?”

Anyway, homegirl in Baltimore was named Birdy. Me, Bob, Birdy, Chance, Sue and a host of forgotten others went to a couple of different bars and Birdy wouldn’t stop talking about my cack. It was like brainwashing. Everything was a mixture of my cack and the fact that I was staying with her and we needed to leave soon. I finally gave in and left with her. I mean, I intended to leave with her all along, but I kind of wanted to stay out late and shit because that might have been the only time I’ll ever be in Baltimore. Nonetheless, I told Bob I was splitting for the night and let her drag me out of there a couple hours early. We walked out the door of the bar and the second, I mean the second my foot hit the sidewalk outside, she goes “We’re not doing anything, by the way. I’m not touching you.”   And I was just like…. But what about my cack? You’ve been talking about my cack all fucking night, don’t you at least want to see it, or let me get it off for you or something? I kind of wanted to walk right back inside the bar, to be completely honest. It wasn’t the fact that homegirl didn’t want to mess around, it was just the way she had led things on so strongly and insisted that I go with her right then, and shit. If I hadn’t been accused of rape just a day earlier, I would have walked right back in the fucking bar, I assure you. As it was, I decided to try and better myself. I went with her and she had a very nice place and cooked me a couple of good meals. No cack, though…

BOB 3:33 AM
Somehow, I managed to turn two badass screenings into me hanging out at a bar long enough that, out of pity and maybe the kindness of his heart, the bartender let me sleep on his couch.  Well played, me.  No cack, neither.

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Posted on February 23, 2012, in APESH!T, crashtoons, Film Tour, Hell on Wheels, Platypus Rex, screenings, Total Badass and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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