Category Archives: Platypus Rex

Badass Film Tour 2 – Day 24: NYC to Baltimore

NOTE: This journal entry was written about twelve months after shit happened.  Would it have been better if we’d written this shit as shit went down?  Maybe.  But we didn’t, so quit beating yourself up about it.  And really, your expectations are unrealistic.  Nevertheless, enjoy as we fake like we wrote this shit way back when.

December 24, 2010

8:00 AM – BOB
I’m not proud of it, but I wake up to an 8AM phone call.  I’m still drunk from the night before.  My mouth tastes like toilet bowl cleaner.  There’s fair chance of a good and/or other reason for that.  The toilet is smack dab in the kitchen.  I regressively sat/leaned/slouched up until 6 am drinking beer and whiskey, smoking weed and watching The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.

Thankfully (?) the phone rings me awake at 8 in the A-fucking-M.  I’ll be on the air in 10 minutes.  On the air in Baltimore for a radio interview, that is. They’ll call back.  We’re screening down in Charm City in about a dozen hours.  Also, I gotta move the car or we’ll get towed.  Currently, we’re parked on the street in Manhattan’s Lower East Side.  This is also where I woke up.  Always a good sign.

8:25 and no luck on a new parking spot.  The radio station calls back and I’m still driving around trying to ditch the car.   At some point during the circling, the interview happens.  I’m not sure what I said, but I remember repeatedly proclaiming “Boston sucks” and then took that gem and proceeded to plead for a couch to crash on while in Baltimore tonight.  I’m certain that I just charmed Baltimore’s pants off.  We’ll see how that turns out.

11:17 AM – CHAD
We got up in New York and drove down to Baltimore for our show there. I don’t know what to tell you about the drive, except that Bob and I took a wrong turn at one point, and ended up at the Newark Airport. When I say we wound up at the Newark Airport, I mean we were literally stuck in a line with all the cars trying to pick-up and drop-off folks at the main terminal there for a little bit. I’d say we were way off course.

BOB 6:47 PM
We seem to be in Baltimore.  I think we drove here.  Either way, we get to The Patterson and it has a Marquee large enough to honor our presence.  Flattered as I am, I fear this joint is a huge 1200 seat events center.  I hate those.  I’ll take tight and rowdy over big and swanky any day.

The pad was actually pretty cool.  Here’s a tour of the art they done had put up for your intellectual and aesthetic enjoyment.

Chad tried his luck at the lottery.  The problem was, he tried his luck.

Chad’s terrible luck didn’t jinx us.  It turns out that the night was a big-ass party.   We packed the house for both Total Badass and Hell on Wheels.  We even enjoyed some sweet home-team support courtesy of the Charm City Rollergirls.  And that radio station (WTMD 89.7, thanks!), on which I puked up something akin to an interview by drunkenly, relentlessly shit-talking Boston, they gave away some tickets and helped drag in a noteworthy chunk of the crowd.  Baltimore is looking good!

We also got this cool write up:

http://thebaltimorechop.wordpress.com/2010/12/03/bob-rays-down-and-dirty-austin-film-tour-crative-alliance-tonight/

Bob Ray’s Down and Dirty Austin Film Tour @ Creative Alliance Tonight

We’ve never been to Austin, TX.

We suspect we’d like it very much if we ever had been. We like Baltimore very much, after all. We like New Orleans and Richmond and Charleston, and even liked Galveston when we went there. So we have reason to believe that we’d get along just fine in Austin, and that when Austin filmmaker Bob Ray brings his Down and Dirty Film Tour to the Creative Alliance tonight he’ll feel right at home.

Total Badass screens at Creative Alliance tonight. 7:30.

The Chop can’t sell you on this. Much like Kesey and the Pranksters, you’re either on the bus, or off the bus. There’s no middle ground here. Just take one quick look at the movie posters and you’ll know right away that this is something in which you either have no interest at all, or something for which you absolutely need to clear your calendar and go see right now!

Hell on Wheels is the second half of tonight’s double feature. 9:30.

For those of you who are on the bus, here are the details. Doors and drink specials start at 6:30 (and show up on time, because the CA screening theater is of modest proportions) and Total Badass begins at 7:30, followed by a Q and A with Bob Ray and Chad Holt.

The Charm City Roller Girls will then host the second half of the double feature, Hell on Wheels with another Q and A after featuring Ray as well as some of the finest real life bruisers in Baltimore.

If your lame schedule and crappy life don’t permit you to see both films for a paltry $10, you can check out either one for $7 at the door. We say watch them both. You’ll be glad you did. Now get on the goddamn bus and hang on for dear life.

8:40 PM – CHAD
Just to put things in perspective, this was December 3rd, 2010 that we were in Baltimore. That was exactly a year ago today from when I am typing this. Here’s what I recall for sure: The Baltimore Ravens were about to play The Pittsburg Steelers for the second time that season. The Ravens had won earlier in the year in Pittsburg, and now the Steelers would be in Baltimore two days later, on Sunday. There was a certain fervor in the city of Baltimore you could feel with the game coming up, with a lot of Baltimore Ravens signage, flags and other memorabilia hanging everywhere. I saw a taxicab drive by the theatre right before Total Badass started, and a little Baltimore Ravens window flag fell off of it, into a puddle of water. The cab driver got out and ran and picked it up real quick. The damage was done; I already knew the Steelers were going to beat the Ravens when they played. I’d have bet everything I had on it. I didn’t have much…

I also remember that a couple named Chance and Sue were there. They had won tickets to the screening on a local radio show, and were very excited about it. I was probably more excited than them that anyone had even bothered giving away tickets to anything associated with me over a radio station in Baltimore, Maryland. The fact that the guy who won the tickets was named Chance was not lost on me.

The movie played at a place called The Patterson in association with The Creative Alliance. This was in a really nice part of town. I remember this, because every time Bob or I would comment on how nice things were in that neighborhood, a local would be like, Yes, Baltimore is very nice in this little five block radius, but PLEASE GOD, whatever you do, don’t go anywhere else in this city. I’m not exaggerating when I say we heard that upwards of ten times.

Here’s the intro to Total Badass in Baltimore:

11:15 PM – CHAD
Ok, so as soon as the movie was done, we did the question and answer as usual, and I could just tell by the back and forth with the audience that one lady in particular had taken an interest in us. When we were done with the Q&A, she walked right up to me, and was like; You know what question I really wanted to ask? So, I said what and she goes, Whip out that fucking cock!! And I remember thinking that was more of a command than a question, but I knew where she was coming from, all the same. The thing was, she pronounced cock like there was an “a” in it… “cack”. Whip out that fucking cack! That’s all I could think about the rest of the night… I had cack on the brain.

It reminds me of this one girl I met here in Austin over the internet. She had a boyfriend or a husband or something, but somehow we ended up talking back and forth over facebook and deciding to meet up over at Barfly’s and have sex in my car. Maybe it was her car, but still, I remember us hanging out inside Barfly’s for a drink or two, acting like we were there to do anything other than go out and fuck on the street. We got out to whose ever car it was, and she unbuttons my pants and goes “Wow, you’ve got a fucking stuntcock!”  She said “stuntcock” like fifty times while we were fucking, and I’ve got to tell you, it kind of grew on me. So much so, that to this day, I think of her as “Stuntcock” whenever I see her. I’ll be at a bar and see her there with her boyfriend and think to myself, “There’s ol’ Stuntcock… Should I go say hi?”

Anyway, homegirl in Baltimore was named Birdy. Me, Bob, Birdy, Chance, Sue and a host of forgotten others went to a couple of different bars and Birdy wouldn’t stop talking about my cack. It was like brainwashing. Everything was a mixture of my cack and the fact that I was staying with her and we needed to leave soon. I finally gave in and left with her. I mean, I intended to leave with her all along, but I kind of wanted to stay out late and shit because that might have been the only time I’ll ever be in Baltimore. Nonetheless, I told Bob I was splitting for the night and let her drag me out of there a couple hours early. We walked out the door of the bar and the second, I mean the second my foot hit the sidewalk outside, she goes “We’re not doing anything, by the way. I’m not touching you.”   And I was just like…. But what about my cack? You’ve been talking about my cack all fucking night, don’t you at least want to see it, or let me get it off for you or something? I kind of wanted to walk right back inside the bar, to be completely honest. It wasn’t the fact that homegirl didn’t want to mess around, it was just the way she had led things on so strongly and insisted that I go with her right then, and shit. If I hadn’t been accused of rape just a day earlier, I would have walked right back in the fucking bar, I assure you. As it was, I decided to try and better myself. I went with her and she had a very nice place and cooked me a couple of good meals. No cack, though…

BOB 3:33 AM
Somehow, I managed to turn two badass screenings into me hanging out at a bar long enough that, out of pity and maybe the kindness of his heart, the bartender let me sleep on his couch.  Well played, me.  No cack, neither.

Badass Film Tour – Day 1: Austin to Roswell

July 14, 2010

3:45 PM
BOB:

We finally got the hell out of Dodge. Austin, that is. And only three hours and fifteen minutes late. Not bad. We’re headed toward Albuquerque with an overnight stay in Roswell. Fucking aliens, TBD. Tomorrow we push on to Albuquerque. I don’t really know much about Albuquerque aside from they shorten it to ABQ, it’s filled with New Mexicans and is known as Duke City. Not sure if that has anything to do with John Wayne. Oh yeah, and Albuquerque is where Bugs shoulda taken that left turn.

3:55 PM
CHAD:

I left Suckerfish, my only surviving guinea pig, in charge of selling weed for me while I’m out of town. They are social animals, these pigs, so it always saddens me to see one alone in a cage because I know that it would rather be with a partner… even an abusive one. Unfortunately, Suckerfish was left in this very position when Scaredy Cat died a couple of days ago. It was last Friday, in fact… same day as the launch party for our tour. So, even though I may have been hobnobbing with the big wigs and laughing all loud and haughty with y’all up on the roof of Mia Cevallos’ apartment complex, deep in side I was suffering from the loss of my all time favorite. She has now joined Snickers in guinea pig heaven and I can only assume they’ve fucked about a hundred and fifty times already. Anyway, I hate to make light of this because Scaredy was not only my favorite pet, but she was also the living symbol of a time in my life where I was very happy with a woman. Several women, actually. Despite all of this, I fear that Suckerfish is suffering even more than I am from the tragedy, so I’m hoping that her new career as a drug dealer will at least take her mind off of things. We’ve set up an intricate system of communications, established a brutal hierarchy within our organization, and I’m now running things from inside the prison of Bob’s Toyota Prius, just like The Aryan Nation or MS-13.

So, as The Age of the Guinea Pig draws to a close, I’ve forsaken my family and run off with Bob on this film tour in a desperate attempt to bring some sense of accomplishment back into my life. Before my departure, I made sure to leave all of my personal relationships in shambles… I wouldn’t have it any other way. You see, I emit a type of radiation. You can’t see it, but its effects are obvious over time. I can just sit in a room with shit… equipment, furniture, you name it… and it will all just start to break down around me. I have an especially powerful influence on automobiles in this respect. Unfortunately, this particular grade of emission is also harmful to humans, and probably even the very fabric that holds our society together.

I’m interested to see what strangers think about the movie, Total Badass. I’ll be quite upfront with you and admit that I’ll be measuring the film’s success on whether or not I get laid at these screenings. Even though I think Bob did a great job putting the movie together, and it might be up to muster from an artsy fartsy standpoint, I wonder what people will think of me in particular when it is all said and done. On one hand, I have these visions of massive roller orgies, but then on the other I wouldn’t be surprised if we have trouble finding a place to stay after the screenings. I’m in the market for women who like a big dicked, foul mouthed felon and can only hope that the rest of the country is just like Austin, Texas.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the people whom I begged for money before leaving town. These include John from Elysium/Valhalla, Jason from Jackalope/Chupacabra, Nordstrom from Club Deville, Steve From Headhunters and Dave from Trophy’s. I didn’t actually get any ad money from Dave, I just sort of took 50 bucks off of the 250 that I owe him. That’s right, I took money from a dying man. Also, I got some help from my friends at Affordable Sound and my sister gave me a hundred bucks, re-establishing the inter-family pecking order more to her liking. Talk to y’all soon. CHAD

1:58 AM (technically, Day 2)
BOB:

We drove 500+ miles and made it to Roswell. Filmed some clips along the way. There was a badass electrical storm all around Roswell. We’ll see how we do with editing or at least, uploading any of the stuff we shot. So far, Roswell seems to be a one trick pony: bareback riding that alien into the ground. Granted, we rolled in around midnight and most the town was tumbleweeds. We’ll see what the morn reveals. Also of note: there doesn’t seem to be a bar in Roswell. I’m betting there is, but we ain’t seen it.

We landed at the luxurious Frontier Motel on Main Street. The neon is missing an O and T, so I guess it’s the Frontier MEL. It’s lacking an Alien theme, but makes up for it by looking and smelling like a filthy shithole that’s been anally probed many a time in the past. The very recent past, judging by the circumstantial evidence. However, there is an alien figure made out of junk in the lobby. And no, that’s not a shitty comment on the foreigner manning the front desk, you xenophobe bastard, you. There is an actual statue of an alien made of trash. It is dolled up in a nice pro-America red-white-and-blue motif. The message might be a bit mixed. Either that or I’m dense. Maybe both.

So, oh yeah, here’s the tour journal. Both Chad and I will be contributing to it. He’ll chime in later, I suppose. Right now he’s crashed the fuck out, exhausted from riding shotgun on a nine and a half hour road trip. UPDATE: we stuck Chad’s entry in Day 1’s blog.  Insert insertion-pun here.

Launch Party for Badass Film Tour

Launch Party on Friday for Bob Ray’s Down and Dirty Austin Film Tour (a.k.a. Badass Film Tour)

Friday, July 9, 2010
8:00pm – 11:00pm
The Crescent Apartments – Rooftop Terrace (http://www.crescentaustin.com)
127 E. Riverside Drive (6th Floor)
Austin, TX

Join filmmaker Bob Ray and writer/singer/rabble-rouser Chad Holt for a send-off party celebrating the launch of the first leg of “Bob Ray’s Down and Dirty Austin Film Tour!”

We’ll be screening clips from Ray’s newest flick, TOTAL BADASS, peppered with some of his CrashToons, and serving free beer. Come make some new memories with us on Friday, July 9, 2010 at 8PM. Details above and below. See ya there!!

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:

–PARKING: Free parking is available at the former Sonic lot across the street.

–TOUR INFO: learn more at: http://crashcamfilms.com/filmtour2010.htm

–MEDIA/QUESTIONS: Please send your inquiries to Mia Cevallos at
mia@totalbadass.com

–SPREAD THE GOSPEL: Please help us spread the word about the tour! Tell all yer Facebook pals, blog us up, twitter our brains out and etc. us good! This tour will be crazy-fun!

Thanks for your help and we look forward to seeing you on Friday!

————————————————————————————————

TOUR SCHEDULE – FIRST LEG:
Bob Ray’s Down and Dirty Austin Film Tour (More dates to be added.)

July 15 Albuquerque, NM @ Guild Cinema
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Duke City Derby
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=106783302706442
9:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=112976748750109

Sat, July 17 Denver, CO @ Starz FilmCenter
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Rocky Mountain Rollergirls
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=135284813165956
9:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=134817233210217

July 19 Salt Lake City, UT @ Tower Theater
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Salt City Derby Girls
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=140614779285411
9:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=131851723514481

Wed, July 21 Boise, ID Egyptian Theatre
8:15 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Treasure Valley Rollergirls
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=139913366024878

July 23 Vancouver, BC @ Rio Theatre
Midnight double-feature!!! Hell on Wheels
*with special guests Terminal City Rollergirls
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=140833902593943
Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=123160277727022

July 24 Bellingham, WA @ Pickford Film Center
8:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Bellingham Roller Betties
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=129683580405449

July 25 Port Orchard, WA @ Orchard Theater
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Slaughter County Roller Vixens
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=136485713036879

July 26 Victoria, BC @ Victoria Event Centre
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Eves of Destruction Roller Derby
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=133877333302434
9:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=133778133310338

July 27 Tacoma, WA @ The Grand Cinema
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Dockyard Derby Dames
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=140852589261586

July 29 Portland, OR @ Clinton St. Cinema
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Rose City Rollers
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=116640861715128
9:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=134600523226640

July 30 Seattle, WA @ Central Cinema
7:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=109892459059663

July 31 Salem, OR @ Salem Cinema
Roller Derby Film Festival!!! Hell on Wheels screening with Brutal Beauty and Blood on the Flat Track

Aug 1 Eugene, OR @ David Minor Theater
5:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Emerald City Roller Girls
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=136010349750417

Aug 2 Chico, CA @ Cal Skate
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by NorCal Roller Girls

Aug 3 El Cerrito, CA @ Rialto Cinemas Cerrito
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Bay Area Derby Girls
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=116447455067875
9:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=133760813311712

Aug 4 San Francisco, CA @ Roxie Theater
7:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=132564483441272
9:15 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Bay Area Derby Girls
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=140647592615587

Aug 5 San Francisco, CA @ Roxie Theater
7:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=135690889782159
9:15 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Bay Area Derby Girls
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=129816607057042

Aug 12 Los Angeles, CA @ Echo Park Film Center
7:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=126309474077325

Aug 13 Los Angeles, CA @ American Cinematheque
9:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=133791849975212

Aug 14 Phoenix, AZ @ MADCAP Theaters
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
9:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt

Aug 15 Las Cruces, NM @ The Fountain
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons

Aug 16 Marfa, TX @ Padre’s
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
9:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt

Aug 21 Austin, TX
7:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt