August 14, 2010
We got up early, said goodbyes and hit the fucking road. I think we left a scar on L.A. L.A. probably left a scar on us. If not a scar, at least a stain. It was a special relationship.
When we rolled into town we had a shitload of weed. We had been piling it up since we left Austin. Chad was gifted a baggie of Seattle’s finest. In S.F., we scored a nugget of hash. Add that to the overabundance of k.b. I brought and the freezer-bag of shwag that Chad has been dragging across the country like roadkill stuck in the wheel well of the car, and we had ourselves a nice little pile of dope.
But in L.A., our pile met its match. Our pile barely put up a fight. Without sullying the good reputation of one of my pals by naming names, I’ll just say that we ran into the great weed huffer of the West. Over the course of the next few days… weed was horfed. Almost all of it. I think there was about one bowl left by the time we had to pack it up and split. We didn’t mind toooo much, but fuck, we did need enough weed to carry us through Sheriff Joe Shut-your-pie-hole’s AZ and back home to Texas.
Our gracious iron-lunged friend/fiend did score us a sack of super-sweet bud. And, Chad, in a moment of clarity, had the foresight to hide a wee amount of the hash. So we’re good again. This should do. There are only five days left. And with luck, we’ll cross paths with more goodness.
Well, we headed out of L.A. relatively early in order to make it to the screening in Phoenix later on in the evening. Will [last name redacted] and I had woke up at a local girl’s house. I’ve been hanging out with this girl on and off since I’ve been in L.A. but she’d always come meet us out somewhere and then go home before the end of the night. Luckily last night, Will was so fucked up, I was basically able to use him like a wounded animal or retarded person or some shit that simply wouldn’t be able to survive out overnight unless we took him to her house. He and I went to an In and Out Burger for a little going away breakfast and then I met up with Bob and we split the City of Angels for good. The drive out to Phoenix was all a big blur, just as the entire trip has become at this point, and I feel like the following video depicts all of that, especially through the lens of writing this journal, which has started to suck my fucking dick to be quite honest. Oh, the journal itself is decent. It’s the writing of the journal that’s really starting to suck, and not in one of those awesome okcupid blowjobs on the first date in the bar parking lot kind of ways, but a bad one. Here, check it out:
To be quite honest, after the orgasm that was the L.A. leg of the trip, I didn’t really give a shit what happened after that. We came. We conquered. We left a stink behind. And we escaped without a parking ticket or jail time. Mission mother-fucking accomplished. But Tempe had some fun in store for us. And we got our own prison-ish room for the night to top it all off.
Andrea (a.k.a. Midnight Move Mamacita) scored us a crash-pad. It turns out that a co-worker’s friend manages an apartment complex and someone had just moved out. Aw, here, just watch the video:
Back at the MADCAP Theater, we geared up for the show. The cinema always gives away prizes before the screenings and it was thrust upon us to figure out a way to dole out the goods. And once it was thrust upon us, I quickly deflected all responsibility to Chad. This responsibility burden was starting to wear on me.
Nicola Sixx (a.k.a. Suzy Homewrecker from the BGGW days of Lonestar Rollergilrs) came out to the screening. That was fucking cool. She’s always came out to support and has hooked me up when I’m in the PHX area. Thanks!
Hell on Wheels finished up and I did a little Q&A. Despite Chad’s awesome intro/trivia/prize giveaway, once we forked over the remainder of the prizes, nearly every fucker left. Fuckers.
On one of my first visits to PHX I met Suzy Homewrecker’s pals Worm and Honey. They have always been down for the cause. Worm even let me crash at his house several years back and drove me to the airport. I hadn’t seen him in a while, so it was fucking cool to see him wander up to the screening. After the screening, we headed down to the bar and that has a ghost infestation and drank some beers.
The Phoenix showing was pleasant, and Brazoswood’s own Farrah Fiegner showed up. The theatre manager was a beautiful woman with a sexy accent who was very nice to us. They gave us free reign on everything in the snack bar and I’ve never had such power lavished upon me. I’m actually reaching at this point, because as pictures and video will point out, I was so fucking exhausted from our time in Los Angeles that I basically sleptwalked through Phoenix. I think this is a great opportunity for Bob to take over the reins and showcase some of his writing abilities.
Judging by the circumstantial evidence, most certainly Chad has scraped-up Chepo’s Xanax dust when no one was looking in L.A. and smeared a fistful of powder across his mouth like a fucking savage tonight.
August 1, 2010
We woke up in Salem, and Sally had made us this great breakfast… Eggs, sausage, cantaloupe, and these badass fucking cinnamon rolls. Turns out we spent the night on a farm. We drove into town and Sally showed us the capitol. Then we had to head out to Eugene. Here’s the capitol in Salem, Oregon in case you were wondering:
Woke up in the Oregon countryside. Enjoy:
Went to the Oregon capitol building:
The drive to Eugene was short and uneventful. Which was nice.
The theatre we played at in Eugene was called the David Minor Theatre. This is a great opportunity to go back and post video from when we were partying in Denver with David Minor, Carmen Hinjosa and her sister-in-laws, not to mention Katherine Hargrave and Beth Edminston:
While I’m at it, here is the video of Bob’s introduction and question and answer section for the Eugene showing of Hell on wheels:
Also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention we went to a place called The Jackalope. It’s the second one we’ve seen, we drove by one in Salt Lake City, too. Here is video proof that will double as a commercial for our sponsors, The Jackalope and Cupacabra back in Austin….
Also, thanks a lot to Blue Ruin of Emerald City Roller Girls for the place to stay! I kind of did laundry after you were already asleep, and didn’t want to wake you up to ask. Hope that wasn’t out of line….
There’s some fuzzy math afoot in Eugene. See if you can follow it:
So, it turns out that I made a bad deal. The cinema was hesitant to book us, so we agreed to have the first money that comes through the door go to the theater until they reach what would have been their rental price. Which was $300. Anything beyond $300 was to be divvied up between the cinema and me. When I arrived, dude at the box office informed me that he forgot what the ticket price was supposed to be and just went with five bucks. Which was fine with me. But then I learned that the cinema seats 50 people and even if we sold every ticket, we would never be able to bring in even the $300 rental. Let alone, go beyond that and get a bit of the scratch coming my way. Best case for us was packing the house and earning $250 for the theater. We never had a chance of breaking the $300 dollar mark. So I didn’t see a single cent from the gig. I did managed to sell $65 worth of merch and we did find a couch to sleep on. So all is not lost.
Having just left the Seattle area after swirling around it for ten days, there’s a tad of re-adjusting the life on the road. There are some keys to survival. The main one being, get what you can when you can get it. This is vital for beer stops (and will keep you juiced when in a dry county or a low-alcohol content state like Utah). We always keep a cooler full of brews in tow. But the rule is good for many things: showers, gas, sex, pills, weed, couches/beds and other forms of hospitality, food, and general debauchery. Forget looking down the pike for another go at it, if it presents itself, grab it, embrace it and ride it! The oasis on the horizon might be a mirage.
Help us spread the word!!! We have more screenings coming up and could use your help w/ promo:
July 31, 2010
Before I hit the road, I said goodbye to my Seattle girlfriend. See Figures 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5:
Ok, so we’re headed out of what ended up seeming like my temporary home bases of the Pacific Northwest, Seattle and Portland, and are back “on the road”. We head into Salem today, and I can’t seem to get that straight, because every time I talk on the phone with someone back in Texas, I tell them “We’re going to… um….” And then bob goes “Salem!” all exasperated and shit, but that’s what he gets for listening in on my phone calls. I’m going to do a little psychic predicting here and tell you that we get into Salem, and the back-to-back-to back three movies about women’s rollerderby in a row festival isn’t going quite as well as you might think. However, attendance for Bob’s movie crushes the competition, outdrawing the other films combined and the theatre slaps a nice hunk of cash on him. Then, he tells me since he made out so well, dinner is on him!! I think he might have even used the phrase “Nigger Rich”, prompting me to decree that if there is ever a fourth member of my rap group, BFE, then his name will be “Nigger Rich”… like short for Richard. Anyway, we go out to eat with all the theatre people at Marco Polo’s in Salem and I got this huge plate of General Tso’s Chicken that was strictly chicken and rice… no other vegetables. The next morning, my shit was encased in the very same caramelized crust that was on the General Tso’s. The theatre picked up the meal, and I guess Bob doesn’t think he owes me a dinner, still.
Hung out in a park in Salem. Spiders:
Anyway, we all ended up going to a gay bar later that night, called Speakeasy. This gave me the opportunity to bust out one of my best jokes of the trip so far. It was me and Bob, some rollergirls, our host for the night Sally, and the people who worked at the theatre all bullshitting in the lobby, and some of them were trying to tell the rest of us how to get to Speakeasy. Anyway, Loretta who runs the place tells Sally, “You remember Loose Ends? You remember where that used to be?” because it was a hobby shop or some shit, and I go, “Loose ends? Was that a gay bar, too?” and everyone laughed their ass off, even the gay people. We get down to the gay club, and this dude kisses me the minute I sit down. It was just on the cheek, but it was really drunk and sloppy and gay. He tells me his name is Gino, only he spells it Jino and he makes that very clear to me. It took everything for me not to talk about vaginas and the way you spell them at this point. Anyway, over the course of two conversations, he lets me know I’m very attractive, so I’m walking on cloud nine at that point. Then, later in the night it turns out he told Bob the same shit, so he was totally playing us.
Awesome fun after. Including, but not limited to:
Partying with Sally.
Partying with Fay L. Mary.
Partying with Jen 208.
The evidence was destroyed. But there is this sign from the bathroom at the Speakeasy:
July 25, 2010
I drove around Seattle a bit before hitting the road to Port Orchard.
Dear Seattle, what the fuck kind of drugs was your city planner on when the streets were laid out? I mean, I like a puzzle as much as the next sucker, but god damn, did Frank Gehry throw some spaghetti on the floor, draw a map of it and then you proceeded to pave the town in its likeness?
It’s my last night in Seattle until the show next Friday, as tomorrow I board a bus to go down to Portland and hang out with friends there. But first, here’s Brandon showing Heidi and I around his shop, The Palm Room.
Watch below for additional hot vid of Brandon in action:
The drive to Port Orchard was nice. The screening was pretty sweet too. The Slaughter County Roller Vixens are awesome. And some local derby Brats came out as well. Port Orchard has a cool little park on the waterfront that has some of the spiniest rides around. A little tea-cup thin that you stuff your ass into spins you like mad. I swear, it’s a perpetual motion spinning device that’ll fuck you up. They even had a merry-go-round. It was killer.
I drove back to Seattle and hit the sack. I wanna extend a HUGE thanks to my sister-in-law, Heidi and my nephew Mars for their hospitality. They’ve been hosting me for several days as I rampage across the PNW. And their help has been invaluable. Thanks!
Help us spread the word!!! We have more screenings coming up and could use your help w/ promo:
Here’s some press for our upcoming SF stop: http://sf360.org.mytempweb.com/?pageid=12938
A big thanks to Kat of The Treasure Valley Rollergirls and her family for letting us stay with them here in Boise. When we got up this morning, the dog was watching television. Seriously… The TV was on animal planet and the dog was totally fucking watching it, freaking out on other dogs. I got it on video, see:
Not that any of this topped a dog watching television, but I did spend about three hours walking around downtown Boise, and it fucking rules. The nightlife was pretty happening last night, too. Here are some videos of the state capitol building, and then I filmed an Idaho State Police car. It was probably the coolest police car I’ve ever seen…And I’ve seen a lot of them.
Double-up on the ditto Chad done said, and a big thanks to Kat and her fam for the sweet, sweet hospitality. The triptych of couches served us well. Even when the pooches needed a snuggle. We hit the road for another 8+ hour drive. Despite the declaration of no more getting lost, we got lost on step one right off Kat’s porch. But we managed to overcome and found the interstate.
Rest stop: (see big blue piss box on the right)
We saw several burnt-up patches of grass and a few tires. The second vid was cool as we drove right through the smoke at 8Omph. But the battery died before we got there, so just take a huge bong hit, blow out a puff of smoke and run through it at top speed and you’ll get the proper effect.
These 8+ hour drives are getting routine at this point. Except this time we’re cruising through the Washington mountains and we’re about to run out of gas. No shit. In a Prius and about to run out of gas. Nice, huh? Let’s see how it panned out:
Originally, I was going to ride into Seattle today with Bob and then take a bus down to Portland so I can wait for him there while he does the Canada shows, seeing as how I’m not allowed into Canada. Well, it occurred to me that this might be the only chance I ever have to see Seattle, but I really don’t have anywhere to stay here. I got on the phone with friends down in Austin in a panic and asked them if they know anyone here whose house I could crash at for a couple days while I checked out the city. I was referred to a girl, Heidi, who might let me stay at her place. I say “might” as though I don’t know yet, because I’m pretending to have typed this days ago when actually I have already been in Seattle and Portland both, partying for over a week, and yes I stayed at Heidi’s house for about five fucking days, thank you very much, dear. Oh yeah, we went completely apeshit, too and here’s some video from my first night in Seattle:
I spent most of my Seattle nightlife up north in Ballard, where Heidi owns a bar and frequents about twenty others. They have a badass strip of bars up here, and I’ve met a lot of nice people and seen a bunch of shows. The above clip was Kaleb Hagan-Kerr doing an improvised little ditty in the back of Hattie’s Hat.2:21 AM
Okay, we got lost a few more times, minor affairs. Before landing in my Seattle destination, I dumped Chad off. He found a gal to crash on. Or a couch. I’m not sure which. I’m not usually one to brag, but fuck it: what I am sure of is that I did get laid before Chad did on this tour. So suck on that!
Okay, so don’t flip. Everything’s cool. I didn’t ditch Chad. The thought crossed my mind. Chad and I had to part ways cuz the fucker ain’t allowed into Canada on account of him being a convicted felon and shit. And, there are a handful of Hell on Wheels only screenings coming up: Bellingham, Tacoma & Port Orchard and one more double header in the forbidden land of Victoria, Canada. But we’ll meet back up when we screen in Portland on the 29th and be a two-headed bastard again through the rest of the tour.
Despite his rep and a few annoying habits, Chad’s a dam-fine travel companion. I mean, except the part where he has a suspended license and can’t drive so he’s effectively dead weight half of the time. But he means well and leaves very little damage in his wake, so it’s mostly pleasant or maybe tolerable.
Here’s a vid from inside Seattle. I think I’ve played a race car video game where I drove through these: